The single story..

Asalamu ‘alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatu,

I pray that everyone is in a good state of imaan and health as those are the two main important factors in life. I’d like to quickly apologize to my followers for my lack of blogging, inshaAllah in Ramadan I hope to be able to post more, but thank you all for continuing to follow me.

Bismillah,

Recently I was given the worst advice of my life. Although the sisters who gave me this advice might see this I would like to sincerely say that by no way shape or form is this a means of disrespect, instead I wanted to break the cycle of this single story that troubled me.

A single story is story that gets told over and over again until that becomes the only story, what I mean by this is say for example the single story of Muslim people is that we are all terrorists and it has been told over and over again to the extent where that is now our image. Just like a stereotype it is something that sticks with people and is nearly impossible to break. See the problem with single stories is not that they are untrue but it is that they are incomplete. Incomplete and broken down to choose the side of the story that the person would like to be told leaving out all other aspects.

As I sat on the stage of my wedding a sister approached me and began talking to me, being in a daze it was only after the wedding that what she said had sunk into me, what this sister had told me was, ”don’t do everything for your husband, he will never appreciate it and will walk all over you because of that.” I was stunned. Furthermore prior to my wedding another sister advised me against, ”giving my all to my husband” and trying to be the ”super wife” doing chores that he could do himself and was possibly doing prior to getting married, I was continuously told not to make my world revolve around him and not to go above and beyond for him because someday, somehow he would turn around and become ungrateful and everything I would have done would have been done in vain. I was told that I was 20 years old and possibly did not understand any of this but if I didn’t listen to this advice I would regret it a couple years down the line. I was told I was young and naive and was probably going to be taken advantage of by my husband due to my carefree nature.

Out of respect and love for the sister I took her advice respectfully and didn’t really bother going into depths of how I really felt at what she had said to me. Now I hope somehow that this post will reach someone who is oh too familiar with this single story and will decide to put an end to it.

What I didn’t understand was where this mentality had stemmed from? Where the ideology that you do something in order to get recognition and thanks from someone came from? Where people thought it was okay to not do your best because MAYBE just maybe the person might be ungrateful 10 years down the line? This post is not about marriage it is far beyond that and I ask of you to open your eyes and hearts to this message.

Allah tells us in the Quran, ”Truly man is, to his Lord, ungrateful” the nature of human beings is ungrateful. If we are ungrateful to our Lord then what do you think would be the case with the common folk? The beauty in this is that although we are ungrateful to Allah he does not stop providing for us, granting us what we ask, taking care of us, although He knows that we might never thank Him for giving whatever it is to us, He does not hold us accountable for that in this life, He does not tell us because we are ungrateful He will do nothing for us. There is beauty in that. Think of your mother, you probably come home to a clean home with food cooked everyday, now you might remember to say thank you for the first month, but after a month it becomes a routine, something that you are used to so you begin to forget the favours she does for you and don’t remember to say thank you for it. Keep in mind though, that does NOT mean you do not acknowledge what she does because everyone takes a mental note of what is done for them, you just might not vocalize it anymore. Your friends they probably sacrifice hours of there time listening to your seemingly pointless stories and supporting you over and over again even when you mess up and they never ask from you a thank you and you probably never give it, now tell me does that mean that you don’t love that friend?

Now with marriage, the advice the sister gave me might just possibly be true, I might sit there 20 years down the line and reflect over when the last time I was given a thank you was, I might feel unappreciated and taken for granted. But why is something that is not guaranteed (i.e, my husband being ungrateful down the line) be the justification of how I approach my marriage. And that is the problem with the youth now a days, now I know this sister thought I was young and naive but trust me I am wise beyond my years. I will never use someones actions as an excuse for mine. What ever happened to doing things solely for the sake of Allah? Why must we receive something in return? Is your reward that is with Allah not sufficient for you? Or would you rather get all your rewards in this life and return to Allah with nothing in store for you? There were people who asked me, ”oh what did so and so get you as a gift, what did so and so do for you to help you?” and if the answer was in the negative I was told, ”don’t worry who’s going to help her when the roles are reversed and it is her big day.” How is this okay? What has blackened our hearts to the extent that we don’t do good just for the mere sake of doing good? What has made us a nation of benefit? So what if someone doesn’t thank me? That is none of my business but if I can help them I will help them with every bit of strength I have left in me. So what if I strive to be the ”super wife” and in exchange gain Jannah due to the happiness my husband has with me? So what if I go above and beyond and it is not mutual? Are we not aware of the ayah that Allah tells us in the Quran that Our Lord does not forget? The Human may or may not forget but Allah will never forget. Always be in service, be the volunteer at the conference who worked extra hard with no recognition, be the guest at a party who does the dishes, do the jobs that are least valued and under thanked and do it for the sake of Allah and I promise you nothing but happiness will evolve from this.

Let us change this and go back to the way of the sahabas and salafs who did good for the sake of doing good and would prefer nothing be done in exchange for them. Let not the actions of others affect the way you treat them. Let us strive to become individuals with clean hearts who are so worried about for filling the rights people have over them then worried about the rights that we have over people. Let not the single story affect you, change it, thank someone today, and help someone who can do nothing for you and watch the benefits it reaps in your life.

Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you! Remember that always. I leave you all in the care of Allah, as nothing is lost that is in His care. May Allah reward you all for reading and reward the sisters for the advice they had given me wallahi it was with good intentions that they had given it to me with.